My Totally Incomplete Reflection on Racism

I learned I’m racist while I was dating a black man.
I figured it out because the idea that my kids
may not look like me was on my mind.
A lot.
I found myself Googling whether kids born
to mixed race parents
look at all like the white one.
It turns out I learned racism in a science classroom.
No, it wasn’t from the teacher;
it was from the subject, the DNA,
studying all those recessive and dominant genes.
It wasn’t a deal-breaker,
whether or not they would look like me,
but it was something that made me uncomfortable,
a fear I only mentioned to my mother.

What are the borders of racism?
Does it count as racist to say only “people of color” should apply,
because they have too many white people

and they want an interracial population?
Sounds racist to me.
But if a white person doesn't do it,
people point and say they are racist
for only having white people.
But not for only having black people,
because society says you can’t not give a black person a leg-up.
Isn’t that racist?

And you know what, I’ll own it here and now that I’m a believer in the Bible
and I do honestly believe that stuff about skin color
being a mark from God.
I just don’t think it still applies.
Ancestors from so far back they don’t even have gravestones,
their actions and sins and ideas shouldn’t be held against you.

You've never even met them.
But does that mean that God is racist?
I once saw the head prosecutor for the Rwanda trials
give a presentation to a room full of college students.
I didn’t look at him and think, “That’s one cursed dude.”
No, I looked at him and God whispered to me,
“That’s somebody special. He’s a somebody.”
The man radiated God to me.
     He was black.
So even if God used to be racist, He isn’t anymore.
But God has said He never changes,
so I guess He wasn’t racist to begin with.
Maybe it’s just a big misunderstanding,
something blown out of proportion.
A misread signal, or
a signal taken way too far.

Martin Luther King had a dream
that little black boys and black girls would join hands
with little white boys and white girls.
I did that: held hands with a black man,
while I was dating a black man.
And you know what? I dumped him.
Is that racist?
No, because I didn’t make that decision based on the color
of his skin.
I did it based on the content of that man’s character.

I don’t know if society today is more racist or not
than it used to be.
The only way to be completely non-racist is to ignore race altogether.
But race is part of identity,
so it should never be ignored.
I guess I just think I should not have to ask
for the Caucasian-colored crayon.
Just hand me the box
and let me recognize the colors without ranking them,
let me use the new crayons, the broken crayons, the flat crayons,
let me pick my favorites and color a landscape
that’s just a landscape, not some assertion
that green is the best color because it’s used the most.
I used it the most because there’s a lawn with some trees.
You see, the thing about lawns and trees,
is that when they’re healthy—
they’re green.