The Grammar Nazis Are Wrong (Gasp)

I do not consider myself a grammar nazi, though most people who know me probably assume I am one. A grammar nazi, as far as I understand the title, is someone who polices the spelling, grammar, and punctuation of the Internet. They are the annoying people who inform you you used the wrong "there." Me, I don't correct people. First off, it's rude. It makes people feel self-conscious (besides that, usually people are self-conscious enough about their language when they write something in my direction). Secondly, there is more than one correct grammar.

For the record, there are no grammar mistakes in this picture,
so long as you realize they are not using the Standard. There is
a correct way to spell and use slang like this, and they got it right.

You read that right. "Ain't" is correct, and so is "y'all" and "I didn't do nothin'." It is more than which stylebook you follow (how many self-proclaimed grammar nazis even know there are different styles? I'd love to take a poll); it's that there are correct ways to write incorrectly, ways that allow you to write incorrectly correctly. Except, of course, that "correct" is subjective. Welcome to the English language, people.

There are a few fun quotes out there describing how we could change spelling. A favorite of mine is this one by Mark Twain. People think the jokes are funny, but the thing is, it could work. Society could agree as a whole that "throughout" is spelled "xrewawt," and then "xrewawt" would be the correct spelling. That is because "correct" merely means "the way we all agree it should be." It's the easiest to read, because it is what we are used to and expect. Every language is a giant compromise. So next time you think you don't agree with someone on anything at all, realize that you both agree on how to spell "cat" and move on from there.

"Correct," as grammar nazis and most people view it, refers to the Standard Grammar, Spellling, and Punctuation. However, one can use other types of grammar. Slang has its own grammar rules, as do dialects and who knows what all. If you can say it, there is a "correct" way to write it. That way is the way that makes it so other people can understand. Let's revisit William Faulkner. I told you it took a lot of skill to write like he did; that's because he wrote an entire book in non-Standard grammar.

"She’s a-going," he says. "Her mind is set on it." It’s a hard life on women, for a fact. Some women. I mind my mammy lived to be seventy or more. Worked every day, rain or shine; never a sick day since her last chap was born until one day she kind of looked around her and then she went and taken that lace-trimmed night-gown she had had forty-five years and never wore out of the chest and put it on and laid down on the bed and pulled the covers up and shut her eyes. "You all will have to look out for pa the best you can," she said. "I’m tired."

Did you notice the weird wording? The sentence fragments? The lack of a subject in places? The run-on sentence? Was it shocking to read? Probably not, if you keep an open mind. That's because it is written correctly. It is written so we understand it, and it is mimicking a non-Standard way of talking. Technically, we only need to follow the Standard in formal writing. The Internet is rarely formal.

You may take this post as me giving you permission to throw the rule book out the window. Before you toss it, though, let me advise you to stay with the Standard. People are used to reading it; they do not trip over the Standard, and it takes less effort to read. You can start using a different system of grammar, one that mimics your way of speaking or one you use simply to stick it to the Man, and that is fine. It would work, and it would be correct. However, it is also true that you can use an alternate Internet (in the same way you can use an alternate grammar). I mean, the Internet is something people invented, and another one could be invented. No one is saying you have to use this one. It's just the Standard Internet.

Understand what I'm trying to say? Use the Standard Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling, but know that grammar nazis are actually conformists, bless their hearts.



Addendum: I do correct people when they have specifically asked me to edit something. A discussion on that would lead into a whole new subject, though: an editor's bedside manner. Another post, I think?