Sundance flash fiction analysis

 My second flash fiction attempt looked like this. In my defense, it was late at night when I wrote it.

“It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters,” the Dorian Gray boy said. Gorgeous, dangerous, met him in a Park City art gallery during Sundance. Surrounded by paintings of mountains, forks bent into stick men, and a bronze Last Supper sitting in front of a window that opened onto an alley, we were the only two in there just then.
It was the stupidest pickup line in the world, not even a pickup line, but I’m too easy and half an hour later saw me making out with him one steep street over in the middle of a looong flight of stairs. I figured it was Sundance. Might as well, right?
But that boy was the stupidest bad-word-my-momma-would-scream-if-she-heard-me-say I have ever met in my life, ‘cause a week later I caught him stealing more than just French fries and trying for more than just French kisses. And by that second part I mean he was trying to go all Bill Clinton all over my butt.
His pants were down and I was telling him no, this was too fast, we only met an hour ago, but man you did pick a pretty spot for this, on top of a mountain and secluded and all, and I respect you for that, and I like your nice car, too, we should just keep driving around in it or something.
That’s when he said, all hot and heavy, that it wasn’t his car, and that’s what I meant about the stealing more than French fries part.
There’s one thing my momma taught me that is the truest thing I have ever known: If you don’t want a man making love to you, pee on him.
After that, he jumped back enough for me to reach past him and open the door. He’d been leaning on that door then and so he lost his balance and fell out.
So yeah, I pushed him down the mountain. With his pants down.
Snow is pretty good for sliding on, especially when it’s steep and the snow is the dry sort that won’t stick together.
I drove away before I could see how far he went, though, and that’s a shame because it would’ve been hilarious on my Instagram. But at the time, I was more concerned about whether to return the car before or after cleaning up the pee in the back seat. Sundance problems.

Here's what I was trying to do: First, I wanted to write an actual story, not just a moment like I wrote last time. I put in a smaller haiku turn, with the wow-she-just-did-that ending, but it was not such a jarring turn as before.

This story idea actually began with a tactic I saw another author use: alluding to something and then building on that allusion. I think I saw it in the short story "The Tik Tok Man," which referenced "1984" and basically said that was the world the story was set in. It is a brilliant tactic because you use tons of work done already and don't have to waste that time yourself. I attempted to copy it by calling the guy a "Dorian Gray boy," but then threw those benefits out the window by explaining it - gorgeous, dangerous. Sure, that might have more depth for someone familiar with "The Picture of Dorian Gray," but there is not much to add. I did not pull all I could have put of a tactic like this. I will have to try again sometime.

I used the Sundance Film Festival partly because I am familiar with it and partially because the first line I was using, one of the assigned possibilities, reminded me of it. Hipsters and Sundance go together. The art gallery they are in is a compilation of art galleries on Park City Main Street, a Sundance location, and the long staircase is another real detail I added in.

I threw this piece out because I did not think it was compelling. Outrageous, yes, but not compelling, and that was one of the characteristics the writing contest judges were looking for.

My writer friend who looked over it for me said the story was all over the place and needed simplification. She also said the descriptions didn't quite convey the feelings or the plot , and I totally agree. I knew this needed editing, if only to unify the voice, which is not consistent. I think that is where her details comment came from. The beginning is more poetic and the end was crude. As for simplofication, I think a unified voice would have made it seem less jumbled and chaotic.

Your thoughts? How could I have improved this?